hilitehead

nov 1

eating my emotions
(this is the worst its ever been)
thoughtless tasteless
clam gorge compress this fearful void
overindulge no guilt
run hide before it catches up
splinters and shards pierce my stomach lining
but i wont stop
a pounding chest pain
an arrhythmiac heart of signs symptoms
this is all i have
a gliding tongue pungent between tastes of sweet salty spicy
acid burns the edge of my mouth
the skin is dry and coarse
in outline to my misshapen lips
i rub lotion to conceal and deceive preparing
in denial perhaps for what is another far reaching day i “play my games”

downwards to darkness on entended wings

at night the vampires entice me
seduce me to come out dressed in three sheets of napkin and commit acts of indecency
promiscuity paints the air in odors of fermented groins
a medley of vaginal and penis smegma sweat and unbathed ass perspire a weekend excursion of booze and unprotected sex
anxious, I force down shots of cheap fruity shots for the hell of my free spirit
loss of control
then walks the click clacks of the splintered heels and bent knees
varnish tainted 23 inch black hair extensions highlight
a modicum of femme fatale fantasy
lacquer lips and glass shot smokey eyes
hypnotize salivate every which old young hairy bald ball shafts and masculine libido in the city
I signal the insatiable irresistible dark sexual desires of anyone I so seek with a flick of my stare
lost leaves spin by the glass
but the trees don’t go they stay by my window

I have two weeks until I go home
beautiful home is what I tell myself now
I have a fridge full of food
food reserved to self medicate my sorrows
shall I cook and finish everything before I leave
or cook up a feast and feed others
I fear gaining the weight back from my two month of alcohol starvation
I don’t look like anyone not even myself

I hate him
I hate them
him who use my vulnerable nature to further fuel my hate
him who use me at my weakest to deceptively comfort only to fondle and suck on my breasts
him who turns every heartfelt innocence into a sexual exchange
him who use my naivety for his physical fulfilment
him who thinks with his filthy penis in place of his soul
I want to grab a knife and cut off your member
then pour salt onto the open wound
I hope you feel that pain for all the women who you’ve objectified degraded abused
and made feel like a piece of meat

nov 2

I live in a world of hurt people lost people, people who just want to be understood and loved

so many emotions that fly haywire in all directions
painful confessions and secrets I have now revealed
expecting the worst
restriction
receiving silence
and at the end its just that
after all the tears
we remain attached dependent
the pain however is still in tact
only a bit more comfortable in my chest and understood

I walk on this narrow path
In search of someone I can trust
I know that the road leads to doom
Yet I still choose this path of no return
Please do not reason me with the truth
Or expect to change me with your kindness
I cant offer an explanation for my life
Many say its because of the Brotherhood
Young man, why are you always in pain?
Is it because you want to play God?
Why are you still so foolish?
When you know this path lead nowhere
Your gang calls you brother
In the name of Brotherhood,
You would even risk your life
If something ever happens to you
Where can your parents find their sons?
(15: The Movie)