hilitehead

Taste of Cherry Tree (1997) by Abbas Kiarostami

nov 4

its just a different type of happiness, dont judge it
pass it without thought even though it hurts
I feel weak for wanting it
for liking it when it happens
I feel invincible when I resist it
resistance allows me stronger than the system
a lifetime of singledom to avenge for my mothers lost redemption
for all the woman who fell ill to their human urge

a room full of adult children
sipping drinking drugged drowning in their sorrows
wailing in inhabitual moves
a boundless appetite that sneak grab and overwhelm
their charcoal hearts
deathly scared of being alone
lets continue to hang out
the moment you leave I will start to feel

when the lights go out
the music stops and the sun arise
you are alone again
curved into a ball on your bed
empty as ever
you search for that closeness
a universal loneliness lies within the hearts of us all
we all need something to do
keep occupied

the idea of unattainability
desirable yet unpossessable

is everything really about control in my life?
im acting erratically at the moment because nothing is in control

the very short lived beauty of a drunken haze:
I go out every night and sleep all day
ive drunk for 3 months
ive drunk all week
with four nights of heavy drinking
then treads the final day when all you could feel is a dream like stupor
memories arrive in a surreal traffic jam thoughts or maybe misadventures from
a lifetime before or previous days
the few times I fully dive is when I can let go within the moment
I float on a cloud
but a raging hangover awaits in the distance
I wonder how people live like this
they seem comfortable
im not
I was not made out for a party lifestyle

the world within the warehouse allowed me step outside my happy world
and descend into the depths of stupidity, ugliness, obtuseness, unfaithfulness and fake
by latching onto the life of losers
but without belonging to that worlds and in the knowledge that I can always return to my own world
and to you
Ive lived as eight different personas of a singular identity
what an adventure
I can cope with lots of different feelings at once
I can be totally happy yet quite ill at the same time
Im really consumed with doubts about life and also a disregard for death
this combination is perfectly possible if your spirit is strong,
if you’re robust
for someone who wants to fight to the bitter end
and is as cynical as the King of Siam
someone like me
Ive got that in me,
that doubting and moods that change
I would even go as far as to say
those feelings dictate my work
now is the period of temptation resistance urge and inner reflection
the truth faces inwards

ive murdered you people in my head a thousand times
why do you keep coming back?

Ive always been a handicap
Dries is acting
but why do I always feel guilty and ashamed
others seem to embrace their flaws
I mostly pretend to be okay
the sickness of the human mind and back up to blue skies

can you eat food with a vengeance?

sometimes the reflection is far more present than the thing being reflected