hilitehead

The Free Will (2006) by Matthias Glasner

nov 5

your family is the void you emerge from and the place you return to when you die
they mean a square
which is really a space
not numbers, a perfect space
but only in your head
because you cant draw a perfect square in the material world
but in your mind you can have a perfect space

I took all his insults to heart
and how much and how long ive hurt from those memories
I know now that he is drowning
I see his eyes, burning with pain
coping in his tortured existence
he speaks as if forcing out every word
he spoke to my greater insecurity
because he knew how

seems to me that everyone exists partially on a negative zone level
some people more than others
in your life its kind of like you dip in and out of it
a place where things dont quite work out the way they should
but for some people, there is something about the negative zone that tempts them
and they end up going in all the way

when you think about it
its not easy to just keep wondering out of life
its like someone is always leaving the door open to the next world
and if you aren’t paying attention
you can just walk through it
and then you’ve died
in your dreams you stand in that doorway
and the dying people and the newborn people pass by you, brush up against you
they come in and out of the world during the night
you get spun around
and in the morning it takes a while for you to get back into the world

maybe it does takes a disaster for everyone to come together
perhaps unremarkable in themselves
but accumulating into a psychic baggage that they must add to their backpacks
adults are the children
children who grow up too fast
for 22 years my mother and father taught me to mistrust
to hate love and fear intimacy by the eloquence of their examples
they remain forever chained with a duty to stay together
you can photograph eyes and smiles, and the pride on parents’ faces
but what good is any of it
with four people who self destruct
It was one of those talks many children have with themselves
where facts of life fall into place with a blinding insight
you know about such things in a distracted sort of incomplete way, because they aren’t especially interesting to you
then suddenly they become the most important guides in your life

infidelity and betrayal are but an exchange in a moment of stealing pleasure
that transcend beyond the physical
a deprivation of the mind
with two characters who allow their existence to center on their genitals only to fill the holes in their hearts
a hole that has been dug by fathers and mothers before them
so whats really important?
the love that unites a family?
like that of a kinetic energy from an ice storm
when everyone can feel whole
dont speak, I see that you understand
as long as we are together
I often find myself waiting for a hug that never comes
but they care

She meets a nice guy, Maxime, at the party. He knows nothing of her past. He likes her. He invites her to come along with some friends, and on one of those bright Boston mornings, they go skinny-dipping in a pool. All but her, who smiles and nods but doesn’t jump in. She knows what will happen before long. She knows the script.
She could continue with Maxime, but how would he deal with her missing years? More to the point, how would she? There can come a point in life when you swim so far away from the shore that it is too late to turn back.
Her memories of Denver, of Ulaanbaatar only inspire regrets. Her old friendships are all over. Day after day, she could rebuild her interest in things. She could once again day-dream her days away and form a bond with an oak tree. And in its limbs, she would lie reading books of imagination and then allow her eyes to rest on the clouds overhead. The drugs, alcohol and bipolar tendencies haven’t destroyed her body but they have taken away her hope. She could walk and walk and walk, and one day even pick up a book or go to a movie. But she has no faith in a new beginning. The last sound we hear from her is a sigh.

disposable men
disposable friends
some days I feel like
I would like to live, fully
if I just learn to let loose
and allow myself to fly