hilitehead

How do I face my past from here on out? I need to move forward. I wish so desperately to move forward but I am overwhelmed by fear and self doubt from the dark reflection that lay ahead. I’m haunted by everything that I’ve done and can’t undo so how shall I muster the courage and face the chapter that I left behind? the many hopeful things, people and flowering relationships that I’ve endangered. So much was at risk, my life is at risk every time I involve myself in dangerous games. My mind has been at constant battle with the prickly edges of shame and guilt where should and shouldn’t fester with the scorching heat of summer. But a strange sense of relief comes knowing that the damage has been done now and I’ve survived the worst of the pain. So here comes the healing, let me embrace it.

I used to think its just me, maybe I was born this way, always meddling between polar extremes with a knack for vanishing but it’s getting old. And the problem persist while I continue to hurt in hiding. My life has frequently alternated between periods of mania and depression with triggers that come in many forms but always ending up at one point. Psychotherapy, spirituality and art help to a certain degree, but it seems that my demons continue to get the best of me. And as much as I hurt, depression fuels a most potent creative streak and I tend to create my best works when I’m miserable. However, self loathing is humanly unbearable, uncomfortable not to mention selfish and against all my spiritual and moral beliefs. I am so tired of being sad day after day, month after month, no more rummaging thoughts. This is a period of crossroads, but I choose to survive and make the decisions that will ultimately be of benefit in the future however hard they may be now.

I would like to genuinely forgive myself, take care of the undone that shackle me and allow myself to move forward beyond my doubts. I would like to wholeheartedly accept that this no-face thing will always be a work in progress, I am a work in progress. There is no single antidote. There are many particles and I could only work on one each time. I am starting to regain my faith and most importantly, my hope back. I can outline my sanity on the horizon. I now have a deep found understanding of my self-worth and for the sacred truths that I must keep close to my heart in far proximity from the momentary fads of life. I am learning the great lessons of life.

During my recent depression, I created one piece of art each day in my visual diary. I was feeling quite lonely and hungry for expression, so the combination of text and visuals seemed to be a great outlet. The art overall is extremely negative, but I’m glad that I was able to capture the face of my inner conflicts. I also believe that the truth will set me free, so I thought to share my book with you: