hilitehead

nov 7

bitterly disappointed teachers
can be either very affective
or very dangerous

I used to live with a terrible secret that made my life a tedious labyrinth in America
this shameful secret as I was told, bound me and decapitated my adolescent spirit
I learned to survive with a lie
I learned how to imitate others to feel accepted
forever identified judged and owned by a paper card
this angered me deeply, propelled me a warrior and gave me a drive beyond my years
it strengthened my spirits in some ways but also broke my will in others
now that Obama is in term again, things will hopefully change for the better

A Better Life (2011) by Chris Weitz

According to Khantzian’s view of addiction, drug users compensate for deficient ego function by using a drug as an “ego solvent”, which acts on parts of the self that are cut off from consciousness by defense mechanisms According to Khantzian,drug dependent individuals generally experience more psychiatric distress than non-drug dependent individuals, and the development of drug dependence involves the gradual incorporation of the drug effects and the need to sustain these effects into the defensive structure-building activity of the ego itself. The addict’s choice of drug is a result of the interaction between the psychopharmacologic properties of the drug and the affective states from which the addict was seeking relief. The drug’s effects substitute for defective or non-existent ego mechanisms of defense. The addict’s drug of choice, therefore, is not random.

According to Duncan, drug dependence is an avoidance behavior, where an individual finds a drug that produces a temporary escape from a problem, and taking the drug is reinforced as an operant behavior.

I have trouble living in the present
so I linger in the past
because I felt like I never really lived in the first place

do you think you could love me?
I say things to get a reaction

Greenberg (2010) by Noah Baumbach

our bodies converged
skin overlapping
I felt I knew him

prey to superstition

a nostalgic cold day in Mongolia
I was nestled, something exciting about knowing its cold outside
while everyone goes to work
you stay home

nov 8

inferno room

my fathers favorite words are perfect and forever
he always paces himself in his talks, “and to return to the point”
then sums up everything at the end of conversations
because it would be difficult or maybe unbarring to leave things open-ended
we used to go with her, accompany her in most things so that he wouldn’t get suspicious
when he says I deserve to be heard I refuse to believe it because deep inside
I feel I don’t deserve anything
something is not right here, right?
he says just let it go when the thinking gets hard but I can’t just let things go
just like him
death lies at the bottom of it all
he says he will never spit on his parents or the society in which he grew up
so are we all just products pioneers of Mongolia’s globalization?
I often wonder if I’m just overly dramatic as an individual or
the result of the marginalized immigrant?
it feels good to blame
but it never solves anything
so how shall the knots get solved?
he blames his past with his wife
I blame my past with them
why do I latch onto all the bad from my past
it doesn’t make me feel better to glorify faults, that only strengthens the negative
so how can I forgive that which I cannot change, what does forgiveness mean?
your voice has changed now he says
him and I feel the same way about family, without filters

do the people we revere idealize and hate reflect us? reflect our current states?
seems like everything we say we are not, or I am not, we are with an intensity
People sometimes wonder why I am keen on working things out with my family
then I wonder if its wrong to hurt so much from an undying hope that things will work out
that I will no longer be disappointed as if all the wrong will be undone
but I still possess so much hope for mine so I continue to fight hard
I told myself I have nothing to lose and let myself bark in front of him
and he took it all
wow he said, you can do this, I could have done this
he says its beautiful that I want to work on myself
I think I no longer dyingly look for validation from him
I am able to talk to him without fear, its scary
he can’t let go of preserving saving everything
his worn toothbrush, new art tools, india ink onto new vellum paper, new shoes and old suits that never get worn
this characteristic was ‘forced’ into him during the communist times when things were scarce
when you had to control your every outings
communism, Mongolia, grandfather and grandmother, east germany, artists and vinyls records dictated his future