hilitehead

nov 9

Ive been eating breakfast for a week
while I consume in regrettable greed
I imagine glossy mcdonald ad’s, grease drenched for cravings
with always a side off scrambled or boiled eggs

Robert di Nero nimbly cracks egg-shells with his acrylic nails so
I bought a carton of dozen eggs from stop and shop
and boiled two every day
tainted with shame and a full gut
I felt a sense of accomplishment
keep it down
sleep quickly follows

each time I pass by the bathroom mirror paranoia strikes in peripheral view
I peer at my naked stomach
have my love handles came back? please please anything but that
I think there is more of a bulge now
oh well at least your happy now, right? happier
your happier, recovery

an odd couple living on borrowed time
cowardly small men who abuse woman
then apologize in tears omitting it was out of his character
obliging to never do it again only to do it again
loads of lies laid by charm
and the broken woman who are so willing ready open accepting of abusive men estranged from their abusive fathers
battered woman who have lost all the good in their lives yet always with a smile for someone
the good Samaritan who wishes to believe the purity in ugliness
she would forgive anybody for anything, yet in reality having a far miserable time than all
the crisis of masculinity
the victimization of women in domestic settings
incremental brutalization of children
and the penchant for violence among certain kinds of weak-willed men, all overlap
poor Hannah, she is so quick to forgive with her black eye and broken heart still tender
she says she remembers the real James but her eyes speak of hollow sentient
she is simple naive cordial and overly mannered
she hides her emotions cries outbursts and anger under Jesus
she sips Smirnoff and chugs wine behind closed doors alone in nightclubs
she is scared to go home
he is waiting
she frantically belligerently paces back and forth calling him confirming her innocence
please don’t hurt me anymore she says
but his black tar jealousy controls her with a gaze
so fucking passive aggressive
because he is only able to abuse her degrade her, commit inhuman torture in far confinement to the outside world
he is possessive and insecure so deathly insecure
haunted by visions of his diseased hallucinations he finally morphs into a deadly mythical beast
with penis and vagina eternally fused
and two pair of eyes that look only at each other
lips ever touching
and one voice that whispers to itself

I wanted you
I would pass by your shop every Wednesday because apart from Sam
you were the only person that smiled at me around here
and I wanted it
I wanted it to soak into me and brighten me up
I thought you were beautiful
I just wanted to look at you, that’s all
I didn’t want to know you
because I knew that if I got to know you, you’d have your own shit
you wouldn’t be perfect and I didn’t want that feeling ruined

my Mo said it would help me to find a man who understand and supports me
easy said than done I thought

you’ve never took up smoking because you remained a child
rockstars shouldn’t have kids because they run the risk that their daughters becomes wacky stylists
does time bring woman over and make them feel safe?
my mother always said woman get comfortable too quick
can you confuse depression and boredom?
lots of unusual things have been happening to me lately
if we’re licensed to be monsters we end up being just one thing, to truly be monsters

Before the inferno, there was home
at first, furtive kiss in the backyard at age 13
the smells, the stink of home, the black clouds
the thrill of approaching thunder
a child’s refuge in the corner near the window
the blanket over me when i was sick with fever
blissful boredom and shivers of joy
it was in short, a mental intimacy
the camp decrees the loss of intimacy thus establishing a new kind of death
a breezing death
there are many ways of dying
the worst of them is to continue living

Ernie Ray: What’s happened here is something enormous, old-fashioned, something you don’t see too often anymore and this something has a very precise name: trust. So let me say one more time: do not betray my trust. I had a pretty severe upbringing, Cheyenne, I can have a very severe reaction.

Cheyenne: Have you noticed how nobody works anymore and everybody does something artistic?

– This Must Be The Place (2011) by Paolo Sorrentino

nov 10

I dreamt of my high school
I saw my old friend Fuji with her cherry red hair, I hung out with her and a few others on the school roof
I thought I was going to fall
I saw Mr.Shaw a few times, but both of us passed by in silence
I didn’t have any pants on, I had a white thong
I was trying desperately to put on my pair of crimson colored jeans once I reached the hallway seat
but it took a while to get to the seat
so I walked and walked then slid across the vinyl floor on my knees
people passing by saw my ass
I saw Nick across me, but he only spoke to the pretty girls sitting by my side

I tried to wear my pants but they were a tight fit and the left leg was ripped at the seams around my shin
I finally get the pants around my hips, Nick approaches me
he commends me on my pant wearing
we get up and he puts his hands around me
we walk outside
school is already over and he is waiting for the yellow bus at his hangout circle
I get a flashback and realize he always stands there
he tells me he waits with Meryl Streep, I am intrigued
I see her coming in the distance?
Meryl Streep is singing humming a song or maybe something like her next movie script, I think
‘I love her’
then around the bend, on top of a hill, I spot a group of party goers under a tree
I have on a white chiffon dress and everyone shuns me a model

as I head to my bus, knowing Ive already missed it, I ask for directions
the party goers invite me to a party
one girl in particular, take her sun glasses off and says ‘haven’t you ever drunk so much, thirsted while hungover that you rummage through garbage?’
I am suddenly struck by doubt knowing that I am restricting myself these days, but should I start again?
they all go, its getting dark
I continue to contemplate then peer into the black distance
I see a deserted theme park with only a few flashing rides
I fly hover over to the theme park
it felt hard to get there, I felt forced

Santa Sangre (1989) by Alejandro Jodorowsky

Roof
To see a roof in your dream symbolizes a barrier between two states of consciousness. You are protecting or sheltering your consciousness, mentality, and beliefs. The dream provides an overview of how you see yourself and who you think you are. To dream that the roof is falling in indicates that your high ideals are crashing down on you. Perhaps you need to rethink the high expectations or goals you have set for yourself.

Pants
To see or wear pants in your dream suggest that you are questioning your role in some situation. Consider the material and color of the pants for additional interpretation. Alternatively, the dream may be hinting at some sexual matter.

-Dream Moods